“Write, Wendy, write.” That’s what I am hearing over and over again in my head. I hear it and respond to myself honestly asking, “Write about what?” I assumed that writing was about thought, then written word… not the other way around. It does not make sense any other way, does it?
Why is my inner voice telling me otherwise? It’s as if I am supposed to just blindly trust an inner voice, an unreasonable and illogical voice. Trust at the risk of failing? Trust at the risk of wasting my time trying instead of doing? I sit here frightened to venture forward looking at all the reasons not to instead of why not.
I think I’ve maybe done that to myself a lot in this life. Talked myself out of experience because I am afraid to let go and free fall into the unknown. Yes, upon reflection I sure have done that a lot to myself. Hello pattern I can now see and no longer wish to continue.
Have I protected myself all these years by doing this? When I look back into my past, I see that when I did let go of conscious thought were many times at such a tough fork in my proverbial road that I had to. The pain or confusion had become insurmountable and my heart screamed, “Let go!” Beyond thought, primal instinct forced enough change into my path that it saved me. Saved me for sure.
That’s when I did listen. When I finally had to listen to that inner voice. Yet now, now in my life when I am happy, content, and at peace this familiar voice whispers to me not in crisis. Not because I am at the last hope stage, but in my harmony it speaks just as clear. How exciting.
I remember when I was young I would be lucky enough to go home into the heart of the city with some of my great friends who lived outside of the suburbs. I took ballet with my girlfriend Karen near her home and looked so forward to being at her house.
At Karen’s house there was so much love and happiness. People were always coming in and out. Her older brother and his friends were hysterical and related to me as if I was part of the family. No one cared that I was different. I felt more loved and unconditionally accepted at Karen’s home more than most anywhere in my whole life of 50 years.
At Karen’s house whether it was a week day or a week end there would be adults in the kitchen cooking, eating and cracking jokes. Razzing one another and gossiping in a cloud of pure love. It poofed from their pours beautifully and filled the room. All that love, it felt so good to be around. In the living room would often be older teens with music playing peppered in with lots of laughter.
Every now and then a great song would come on the radio. You know, the kind of song that makes you want to jump up and dance but don’t? At Karen’s house it was different. Every now and then 1 or 2 people in 1 or 2 rooms, usually not even near each other, would just stand up and start to dance. Dance to their jam whether anyone else was doing it or not. No partner needed, just themselves. They were dancing and it did not matter about anyone or anything else. It was their moment and they took it freely. Beautiful moments of abandoned thought and limitless freedom. I remember watching at first uncomfortable, even ready to laugh. After some time, I looked forward to being around this joy. This was something I had never seen in my household or in any of the neighborhood households I had ever known before.
The places I knew were love filled, yes. They were full of friends and family as well. What was not there was the disconnect of what others might think. Missing was the freedom to simply express yourself even if someone else might judge you. Entire moments of thinking about no one else and not feeling guilty about that. What an odd thing to be aware of not having as I grew up. Trapped in behaving properly or never making others uncomfortable. Just trying not to do these things creates uncomfortable-ness from the get go.
All my life I have remembered those fantastic feelings at Karen’s house. I felt spiritually lifted in those moments. As I have aged and become more comfortable with myself I hold that liberation as a daily goal. The freedom to just allow myself to freely go where my heart wants to go without thoughts getting in the way. It takes practice to reprogram our heads, patterns and thoughts.
Some days I slip back into old ways. Sometimes I can achieve spiritual freedom with great success and allow myself to feel great about it. As was when I sat down at the keyboard to type this evening, without any thought in my mind as to what to type, somehow I found my way. Found my way to an expressive dance in the middle of my life’s house. Joyful without needing a reason. No desire for acknowledgment or observers and it feels really good. I hope you find your way to symbolically dance somehow in your life today. Find a moment to just follow your heart and celebrate you with no concerns of what others will think or whether it makes sense. It will make sense when you finish. If you can trust that blindly, you are allowing your inner voice to take you to where you need to be.